Got my period yesterday – a day early! I suppose I wasn’t hugely hopeful for this month but, never-the-less, I looked up ‘secondary infertility’ on the internet, in a mist of menstrual tension. It’s more common than primary infertility apparently, so now I am worried. Also my previous caesarean might have lead to troublesome pelvic adhesions. The things you learn on the internet. I do hope T doesn’t end up as a lonely only child. M and I were full of dreams of a big rambling family……. Those seem far fetched right now.
Worry is a great big dampener on all sorts of things, so I will get a grip on myself soon. Get a hair cut maybe, some new clothes, feel sexy again. But that can be soon. Not now. Now I am going to eat chocolate and mope.
Saturday, 27 January 2007
Saturday, 20 January 2007
Snow and baby thoughts
Back from the mountains and how beautiful they were. But ski resorts, they make the Alps smaller, somehow. I tried to imagine treading those slopes in my great grandfather’s time, with nothing but pick-axes, crampons and hope. What mighty gods those mountains would have seemed, able to steal your life in a heartbeat. You would scan the cloud-shot peaks for whispers of change, prey to the gods of good fortune, and feel small…… so, so small.
But instead we litter the white with our messy brights and pop into pumping mountain-top cafes for vin chaud and chips. It’s just too easy, I think. And suddenly the mountains shrink, are tamed, and it’s sad.
I love skiing. I wish I’d done a ski season in my early twenties, but another part of me feels uneasy when I see the old town drowned, it’s beauty mocked, by giant concrete chalets. I believe I might be becoming a puritan. Watch out.
On the baby front: I bought some of those ovulation things, but then caught flu and didn’t fancy sex at the prescribed time. So I guess another month will pass……. Although……… I have been having strange cramps since a few days post ovulation; almost like a period, but not. My imagination, probably.
But instead we litter the white with our messy brights and pop into pumping mountain-top cafes for vin chaud and chips. It’s just too easy, I think. And suddenly the mountains shrink, are tamed, and it’s sad.
I love skiing. I wish I’d done a ski season in my early twenties, but another part of me feels uneasy when I see the old town drowned, it’s beauty mocked, by giant concrete chalets. I believe I might be becoming a puritan. Watch out.
On the baby front: I bought some of those ovulation things, but then caught flu and didn’t fancy sex at the prescribed time. So I guess another month will pass……. Although……… I have been having strange cramps since a few days post ovulation; almost like a period, but not. My imagination, probably.
Thursday, 4 January 2007
Uncertainty
Still on the subject of babies, I have developed an undoubtedly unhelpful determination and single-mindedness. I now know all about the consistency of cervical mucus and LH surges and temperature and all that stuff. After one month of failure I am doing away with romance and becoming scientific. I daresay I need better things to think about. And, anyway, making babies takes two. (I have been in the country all this week and M has been in the city.)
It would be best, I am sure, not to tell M about my new research interest on account of it being a passion killer. After all, everyone (who has spent hours looking it up on the internet) knows that even fertile couples only have a one in four chance of conceiving in any given month. So I am hardly in a position to panic.
But the thing is, whoever we are, there is so much uncertainty in the future. Maybe I can’t get pregnant. Maybe I will get pregnant and lose the baby. Maybe someone I love will get ill. Maybe lightening will strike my car. You see, the list goes on and on. The possibilities for the future are as abundant as the stars. Some of those stars will be wonderful, beautiful and others will be dangerous…. And sad.
So whenever you start planning something for your future, like a baby, which you ultimately can’t control, you are faced with this baffling uncertainty. It’s scary. It really is. I believe one should probably live in the moment. I am a terrible one for looking backwards and forwards……. Anywhere but here.
It would be best, I am sure, not to tell M about my new research interest on account of it being a passion killer. After all, everyone (who has spent hours looking it up on the internet) knows that even fertile couples only have a one in four chance of conceiving in any given month. So I am hardly in a position to panic.
But the thing is, whoever we are, there is so much uncertainty in the future. Maybe I can’t get pregnant. Maybe I will get pregnant and lose the baby. Maybe someone I love will get ill. Maybe lightening will strike my car. You see, the list goes on and on. The possibilities for the future are as abundant as the stars. Some of those stars will be wonderful, beautiful and others will be dangerous…. And sad.
So whenever you start planning something for your future, like a baby, which you ultimately can’t control, you are faced with this baffling uncertainty. It’s scary. It really is. I believe one should probably live in the moment. I am a terrible one for looking backwards and forwards……. Anywhere but here.
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