Uncertainty

Still on the subject of babies, I have developed an undoubtedly unhelpful determination and single-mindedness. I now know all about the consistency of cervical mucus and LH surges and temperature and all that stuff. After one month of failure I am doing away with romance and becoming scientific. I daresay I need better things to think about. And, anyway, making babies takes two. (I have been in the country all this week and M has been in the city.)

It would be best, I am sure, not to tell M about my new research interest on account of it being a passion killer. After all, everyone (who has spent hours looking it up on the internet) knows that even fertile couples only have a one in four chance of conceiving in any given month. So I am hardly in a position to panic.

But the thing is, whoever we are, there is so much uncertainty in the future. Maybe I can’t get pregnant. Maybe I will get pregnant and lose the baby. Maybe someone I love will get ill. Maybe lightening will strike my car. You see, the list goes on and on. The possibilities for the future are as abundant as the stars. Some of those stars will be wonderful, beautiful and others will be dangerous…. And sad.
So whenever you start planning something for your future, like a baby, which you ultimately can’t control, you are faced with this baffling uncertainty. It’s scary. It really is. I believe one should probably live in the moment. I am a terrible one for looking backwards and forwards……. Anywhere but here.